Oink oink! It’s swine flu!

Posted May 5, 2009 by Tom Myhill
Categories: Uncategorized

So, what’s the big news this week? What’s the one story that everybody is talking about? Is it the worsening economic crisis? Is it the still unanswered questions with regard to MP’s improper expenses usage? No. Apparently, a pig sneezed in Mexico, a few people got ill, and now everyone is shitting themselves because this swine flu ‘epidemic’ is going to wipe us all out.

Forgive me, but if the entire human race is to be wiped out by a disease, surely we can come up with a better one than swine flu? It sounds disgusting. Well, most diseases are disgusting, but at least some of them sound impressive, like tuberculosis.

Anyway, this is all trivial, as swine flu is not going to kill us all. In fact, we’ll be lucky if it kills anyone in the UK. This media hype is very reminiscent of previous epidemics. Bird flu? SARS? Interestingly, during the time of the SARS scare, more people died falling down the stairs than from this ‘horrific’ respiratory illness. Same with bird flu, and I imagine swine flu will be no different. The only people who’ve ever died from these diseases are those who have been treated in jungle clearings.

The simple fact of the matter is, swine flu is not scary. It’s not worth losing sleep over, it’s not worth going out and panic buying silly little masks for, and it’s not worth all the media attention it’s getting. Think of it this way; most of the media outlets in the UK are owned, at least in part, by Rupert Murdoch (cunt). Rupert Murdoch (twat) has ensured that all of the British newspapers he owns staunchly support the Labour Party since 1997. As many may have forgotten, the Labour Party are in a bit of a pickle at the moment. They hold partial responsibility for the recession, they gave billions of pounds to the wan…sorry…bankers who are also hugely responsible for the recession, and a lot of their MPs have been exposed for improperly claiming thousands of pounds of taxpayers’ money. Wouldn’t it be wonderful for them if their friend Mr. Murdoch could find some other big story to focus on, thus taking the spotlight off them for a while? Is it at all possible that this outrageous scaremongering with regards to swine flu is just a ploy to take the heat off the Government?

Whatever, all you need to know is that should you contract this disease, you probably won’t even know, because the symptoms are just the same as regular flu, and just like regular flu, you’ll be better within a few days. In fact, in a way I hope I do get swine flu, then I can sell my story to the papers about how I got this killer disease and came out absolutely fucking fine.

In other news: Tom had an identity theft scare this week after nearly £500 disappeared from his bank account. Turns out, he forgot to cancel a standing order to his landlord last year, and so is being fully reimbursed.

For the love of God, let’s ban Christian fundamentalism!

Posted February 5, 2009 by Tom Myhill
Categories: Uncategorized

Lincoln; a delightful, fairly small city with some beautiful architecture and fascinating history. However, a plague haunts this fair city. A most disgusting and frightening plague. I am talking, of course, about Christian fundamentalism. Take a walk down the high street on a Friday or Saturday, and you will encounter some of the most repulsive people you will ever have the misfortune to share oxygen with. These bible bashers position themselves at various intervals throughout the high street, poisoning passers by with their bullshit.

With most of these, it is fairly easy to walk past and completely ignore them. However, one such creature I encountered a few weeks ago, I could not turn a blind eye to. This putrid excuse for a human being was standing outside Lincoln’s war memorial in the heart of the city centre, bible in hand, shouting wildy in a broad Scottish accent about how homosexuals and adulterers are condemned to burn in hell, and how universities are, ‘No longer a place of education, but of moral abomination!’. Naturally, I was rather peeved that this worthless piece of shit could get away with such behaviour, so I decided to tell him exactly how I felt.

Somewhat blinded by anger, I opened the discussion with, ‘Can I just say, I think what you’re doing is fucking despicable.’. He retorted with, ‘You have a foul tongue, and when you use such language, you are worshipping the devil!’. This only served to turn my blind rage into sheer, unadulterated, murderous anger. Thus, I launched into what I believe is referred to as a ‘four-letter-tirade’, less than politely informing him that God, in fact, does not exist (by the way, if anyone wants to debate this fact with me I would be more than happy to prove you wrong), and that he cannot stand in a public place shouting his tits off about burning homosexuals and people who cohabit before marriage. He then proceeded to explain that when Judgement Day finally came, the devil would carve his mark into my forehead, and I would be forced to worship the antichrist for all eternity. Clearly he had not listened to a word I had just said. Therefore, I decided to inform him again, in no uncertain terms, that God did not exist. I also pointed out the fact that many studies have shown a negative correlation between IQ and religious belief (i.e. those who are less intelligent are more likely to believe in God). After going round in circles for a while due to his stubbornness and the fact that his main retort to my arguments seemed to be, ‘You’re going to hell’, I decided to take my leave. Just as I turned to walk away, however, he felt the need to approach me so that his disgusting little face was about half an inch from mine, and inform me that the only reason I am an atheist is to give me an excuse to use foul language, and that God had counted all the swearwords I used, and would punish me accordingly.

Tempted as I was to stay and debate further, I chose instead to go home, round up some friends, return to the war memorial with a copy of Richard Dawkin’s The God Delusion, stand next to the tool and preach the case for atheism. Alas, when I returned, he was gone.

Nonetheless, I wait in anticipation for his return, in order that I may put my plan into effect. Failing that, I’ll just inform the police that he is inciting hatred, which is a crime.

I don’t condone any type of offensive religious fundamentalism (in fact, I don’t condone any type of religion), but if Abu Hamzer is (quite rightly) imprisoned for inciting hatred via Islamic fundamentalism, why is this foul little cunt allowed to stand in Lincoln high street with his own brand of fundamentalism and get away unscathed? You guessed it, because he’s a Christian. Because of course, Christians wouldn’t go round blowing themselves up or anything, would they? Here’s what I reckon: you can’t have one rule for one and another rule for another. Fundamentalism is FUNDAMENTALISM, regardless of whether your Muslim, Christian, Sikh, Scientologist of fucking Jedi.

Please, let’s remove this filth from our streets.

 

In other news: Tom has the day off today, as the University of Lincoln has closed all buildings and cancelled all classes due to ‘adverse weather conditions’. Prior to today, Tom had assumed that universities were much too sophisticated and ‘grown-up’ to have snow days, but he is certainly not complaining.

Carol Thatcher: Cold, heartless, and just like her mother.

Posted February 4, 2009 by Tom Myhill
Categories: Uncategorized

Image coutesy of the Daily Mirror

Image coutesy of the Daily Mirror

The front page of the Daily Mirror today features the headline, ‘Thatcher Axed for Golliwog Jibe’. Now, any right-minded person would look at this and think, brilliant, quite right too. However, read on to page 9, and you discover that she’s only been axed from The One Show, not the BBC as a whole.

Need I remind you of the ‘Sachsgate’ furore, where Russel Brand was practically forced to resign and Jonathan Ross was very nearly sacked for playing a more or less harmless prank on a comedy waiter.

Considering this, you may ask yourself why Carol Thatcher got off with a mere slap on the wrist in comparison, when her actions constitute blatant racism. Is it because she said it in the green room to Adrian Chiles and Jo Brand and not on live television? Unlikely.

The most probable reason is that fascist rag Daily Mail haven’t kicked up a huge fuss like they did with the Ross-Brand fiasco. What other evidence do we need for the media’s hungry embrace for right-wing diatribe? The fact that two comedians are nearly burnt at the stake for playing what was, to all intents and purposes, a fucking hilarious and harmless prank on a comedy actor, and Margaret Thatcher’s cunt of a daughter is allowed to stay on at the BBC without having to give a public apology for blatant and deeply offensive racism surely goes to show why Tony Blair should have told Rupert Murdoch and Co. to fuck off with their offensive monopoly over the vast majority of our media outlets.

Isn’t it time the Government stepped in here? Oh wait, Carol Thatcher’s infamous mother Margaret is a ‘Baroness’ now isn’t she? Can’t go upsetting people of such ‘high caliber’.

Incidently, it appears Carol Thatcher doesn’t know what she’s done wrong, stating, ‘I’m baffled by all the fuss.’ Really Carol? Allow me to explain. The term, ‘Golliwog’ is a term which, despite originally being a somewhat disturbing character on Robinson’s jam jars, is a very offensive term used by ignorant moronic bigots to describe black people. The fact that you used said term to describe a black person makes you an ignorant moronic bigot. Need I go on?

Anyway, regardless of all this, surely the woman’s banshee-like voice is enough to dissuade any television company from hiring the bint. I vote that we put her back on I’m A Celebrity… and place her in a ‘Bushtucker Trial’ in which she has to fight to the death with eight very hungry and riled up tigers. Now that’s entertainment.

 

In other news: Tom saw Robin Ince last night at the Engine Shed in Lincoln. He found him to be very very funy, and also discovered that he is a fellow Socialist. All in all, a very good night.


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